BLESSED, I am.=)

Hurting chakra...

When you wanna say things to some people..and then realise that you have done that many times before.
Sometimes, its not their fault why they dont see what you see. Not all are made to be deep. And thats exactly why i wonder if its a curse or blessing to be me.

And then,
I LET GO.
ONLY BECAUSE I LOVE THEM MORE THAN THEY BELIEVE I DO.
sometimes,it hurts.
Most of the time,
I surrender.

God, I've gotto move from home. So here's the deal...
 I'd go and take care of other's loved ones, promise me, you'd stay and take care of MINE.
Deal.

There are so much pain in the eyes of others..., I dont get to be sad for my own.

Oh Lord,please take care of her for me, for I can't be there.I'd break more.

Mum is going for a spine surgery by next week. Constantly telling myself that it will all be ok and that she will survive this. She will. I know it. I feel it. =)

Today is the day I feel vulnerable all over again. I dont  know why it didnt feel this bad all this while, knowing  that amma's health is deteriorating. I knew it from the beginning that its her spine which is doing all these mess, but only after MRI today...it got real hard into my nerves ,the fact that amma's is having lumbar spondylosis with multilevel disc herniation. She has annular tears almost at 7 locations along her spine and has large generalised disc bulge with large disc protrusion, impinging the right exiting nerve root......I mean, i knew it..I knew that was the diagnosis...but today, its as if i got hammered on my head to realize that I will need to watch her dying in pain more and more after this.Her condition is not curable, and surgery will just put her in the risk of being paralyse or blind or even death incase of failure. I cant imagine what is waiting to happen ahead of me. Suddenly, I feel shaken to my bones. I can't afford to lose her..I thought I was prepared to this feeling oneday...and when the days have come, ..I feel like i might not survive this..I am not ready to fell this. Not yet.😡😢😢😢

Im happy . Got the right job at the right time, without much hurdle for the first time...which makes me to be in a denial still. Lol.."How did this happen??" "How did it came so easily"? I shall hope for the best...it feels like a real pharmacist now.=)
Focusing in self improvement:
1) Got to be there for mum. Time is running pretty fast, I almost forgot that she is aging. She probably needs more company now than before.
2) I still suck at keeping in touch with my friends, even if I love them so much.
3) Im reading...Everyday. That's heavenly.
4) Managing my sleeping disorder.
5) Got my journal published in the International Journal of Pharmacology and Pharmaceutical Sciences.Hard work paid of, eventually.
6) More improvements on the way...=)

I can't let people in.I just cant't,.... even if I want to, even if I love them, even if I want to live for them,with them...I can't.Not any further in than the invisible wall I've built around me.That might kill. I dont even wanna feel that. And I don't wanna die. Atleast, not by suicide. So I stand,where I stand and be happy. And I let them go, where they wanna go, and be happy.
No, thats not insecurity. That's security all about.=)

Whitney Houston - When You Believe

Evanescence - My Immortal

When I was younger, shyer and more emotionally vulnerable I had this vision of growing up into a confident and resilient butterfly. As the years have gone by, I’ve found since re-adjusted that vision especially since that original vision implied that I wanted EVERYTHING to change about me. 

This is in fact quite UNTRUE. 

Truth is, I really liked who I was at my core. Sure, there are faults I wish I could correct. But I enjoy listening to others’ stories, doing things for others and most importantly being emotionally ready to empathize with people even if it may strike me at my core. Growing a hardshell would change me forever and not for the better.

Instead, I had to learn how to pick and choose the situations I put myself in, put aside my fears sometimes and decode my own issues sooner than later to alleviate the skeletons in my closet. Following this process has helped me, because I’m a much more confident person now than I was many years ago but my “core self” is the same.

Now, I kind of look at it as growing from the inside out, because that butterfly was always in me. Just like in you!

12 Sarcastic Daria Quotes That Will Ring True for Every Introvert

If you are an introvert, you will probably relate to all or some of these Daria quotes.

1. Pessimism and negativity sometimes come naturally to you, whether you want it to or not.

2. When you’re forced to socialise with others and you just want to be at home alone reading a book.

3. You use sarcasm as a way to communicate everything. You don’t even know you’re doing it anymore.

4. Every time you leave the house.

5. When you’re always having awkward conversations with strangers.

6. You feel an emotional connection to your favourite objects (and still use sarcasm as a response to everything).

7. You’re always being told you have an old soul.

8. You’re quiet and may have resting bitch face – so other people think you’re always unhappy.

9. Procrastination might as well be your middle name.

10. Emotions are overrated.

11. When other people think you are quiet because you have a low self-esteem.

12. When people try to engage you in group activities.

The 90’s teen cartoon has us all relating to their angsty introverted character Daria for various reasons and we can’t help but love her.

When I eventually discovered ME...=)

      Well, its been quite sometime since i wrote a post on my own...and yea,I know its nothing to be surprised. I have always preferred writing over talking, yet most of the times, writing becomes difficult as well. Not being able to find the exact words to describe your feeling is miserable sometimes...and im like the PRO in it.
 Anyway, this time im here to actually clarify myself for why lately i've been uploading too many quotes and make you wonder why do this person have a blog in the first place....i mean, i started off a blog to brush up my english and then it just went off like that...mission kinda failed...my language still sucks anyway. 

Sometimes , i just sit wondering why things are so hard for me when the exact same thing is much easier for others.(like its not a thing at all..) Why? I get it..i get it that we are all different, but why is it so awkward and weird that survival seem too suffering and overwhelming for me? 

Now that I came to a perfect understanding to why i have been facing life this way and who am i really. Eventually, I have a story to tell. 
Well, im not just a girl like what i used to think...I knew that I was special in a way, but I never really understood why. I used to believe that I dont have a story...I mean, not that would interest anybody. And now I realise, I do have a story...that again, which may not interest anyone who reads this, but I ve got to tell the world...that actually, you are not always the only one. I want "my kinda people" to know that its ok to be who you are. And that you are not just a person.But a real special one.It really makes a difference to know your worth.

Here's the story of mine:

I was brought up by an extrovert mum and elder sister.I have an introverted brother too( only lately I discovered that he struggles living somewhat like me). Its a real relieve to me after getting to know him.=) 
I was always the one to accomplish things ,but somehow also a person who made my family believe that something is not normal with me.I got caught many times before for doing self talking, being reserved,anti- social, staying up all night for no apparent reason, sleep walking, highly sensitive and being harsh and rude upon even a slight critism. Life was really rough to me, mainly because I was looked at weirdly. Feeling misunderstood gave me a constant struggle that I didn't know how to put an end to. I often got misjudged that im in depression, when in reality , im just a very contented and blessed kid.Yes, I do cry for little things, but i didnt understand  at those times ,why others dont. For all those things i love to do, I have people thinking that im not so normal. Not to forget, i am also labelled as a tortoise for my slow reaction to things and also getting things done in my own pace.. Often, I understand that my family would not simply want to put be down. They are just worried and concerned with the weird things that I do and they care because they love me.  They really do, I feel it, yet sometimes it all just becomes a mess when I do not know how to explain myself to bring them some comfort.Who to blame? I dont know. My loved ones are definitely not the ones to be blamed, that I knew. It was just ME, MYSELF & I.

I grew up thinking something is really wrong with me, for the majority of them look at me differently. And how sad could it be, that actually, I believed them.

I am now 26, a gonna-be- pharmacists,and not until recently i found out that this things i list above arent really something very abnormal. It's just the INFP-INFJ thing, except for the sleepwalking, i have no idea why it happens to me. That too probably because im a heavy thinker.If your not aware of what is this alphabets about...,well, its the personality types according to Carl jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist who founded analytical psychology.According to his research, they are 16 personality types in the entire 

population, and among them only 1% are INFJs and 4% of INFP personality type.

As i randomly took the personality test one day, i discoved that I fall in between these two personalities. And for the first time of my life that I knew what it feels like to be understood by someone.=) ( If you're reading, you probably should try the test too)

Despite knowing all these pscychologies, I still find it hard to explain to my family that im just fine and there is nothing to worry about me. Being myself isnt very depressing afterall, i have always been proud of myself, but having to put up with their critisms and underestimation sometimes is too exhausting . Especially, when they are the extraverts.But, what have I learnt????

It's okay to be to me. I don't need to force myself to fit into something. I can be as 

social as I need to be or retreat when I feel the moment is right. And I don't need to 

apologize for it either.And,if I have to fake it for the sake of my loved ones or my 

career, I will. But this time, I will do it confidently and with the consolation that 

somehow at the end of each day, i can be the real ME.~ Its all about SOLITUDE~

Last but not least, im gonna flood my blog with lots and lots of quote that I can relate to and never before talked about it to anybody who can really understand what it is to be an INFP-INFJ (INTROVERT). Its a known fact that im never going to be good enough in expressing and since nowadays I feel like everything doesnt need to be talked about, I will hereafter just post it in here for me alone to know. I have never felt like having to share my emotions to anybody, but today, if you're already reading this...you must be one heaven of a special person to me. And I LOVE YOU DEARLY. 

14 THINGS INTROVERTS STILL WISH YOU UNDERSTOOD

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If you ever needed an excuse to stay home and do nothing, today you have it. Today is World Introvert Day (Jan. 2), and this “holiday” is all about relaxing and recovering from the exhausting social activities of the previous month.

Although not an official holiday, World Introvert Day has been enthusiastically celebrated by introverts since 2011. It began when psychologist Felicitas Heynewrote this post calling for a day to raise awareness about introversion, because introverts tend to feel marginalized and overlooked in a society that seems geared for extroverts.

Introversion has gotten a lot of positive attention lately, but many introverts still feel misunderstood. Here are 14 things we still wish people understood about us:

1. Just because we’re not talking doesn’t mean we’re upset or depressed. Introverts tend to be thinkers rather than talkers. We don’t enjoy making small talk and we prefer to speak only when we really have something to say. If we go quiet on you, don’t take it personally.

2. We like people. Many of us have active social lives. When we’re in our element — and with people we know well — we may even be mistaken for extroverts. However, we get mentally drained (and sometimes even physically tired) from socializing, whereas extroverts feel energized by it. After hanging out, we need a few hours (or days) of downtime to recover.

3. Sometimes we need to separate ourselves from others. We could spend hours (or days) alone and not get bored, because being alone means we get to do what introverts do best — tune in to our inner world. Finally we can relax and do things our way. We’re under no obligation to others and we can stop worrying about what they think and if they’re judging us. Alone time lets us concentrate on our projects and solo hobbies (like reading, writing, art, home improvement, gaming, etc.) without interruptions. We can hear our own inner voice and pay attention to our own feelings — not someone else’s. Being alone is freedom.

4. It’s easier to write our thoughts than explain them out loud.Writing allows us to edit our words and express exactly what we mean, whereas coming up with the right words on the spot in a conversation can be hard. Think texting instead of a phone call, and journaling instead of explaining. There’s a scientific explanation for this: introverts rely more on long-term memory than short-term memory (whereas extroverts use short-term memory more), and it takes longer to retrieve the specific words we want from long-term memory. If we “umm” and “ahh” and pause between our words, don’t let this diminish what we say.

5. We’d rather have a few close relationships than a lot of shallow ones. It’s about quality over quantity. If we’re going to invest in a relationship, we want it to be good, because we have limited “social” energy.

6. We might be awkward at making small talk. Talking about the weather or our weekend plans doesn’t interest us, so we avoid small talk whenever possible (although savvy introverts recognize the utility of small talk and know they can use it as a gateway to more interesting conversation). We’d rather talk about ideas or deeper topics: what’s something you’ve learned lately? What are your hopes, dreams, and fears?

7. It makes us feel self-conscious when you point out how quiet we are. We already know we’re quiet, so you bringing it up is just another painful reminder of how we’ve tried our whole lives and often failed to be more social and fit in. Rather than telling us we’re quiet, ask us questions to draw us out. Introverts crave connections with others but we may need help starting conversations. Above all, accept our reserved nature as part of who we are.

8. We work best alone. Forget group projects. We’d rather work on our own in a quiet environment with few interruptions. Interestingly, research suggeststhat whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, simply being around another person sucks up a certain amount of the brain’s attention, making some tasks harder. To introverts, this comes as no surprise.

9. It takes us a while to feel comfortable around new people. We’ve been accused of being aloof or snobbish when meeting new people but this couldn’t be further from the truth. We simply open up slowly. When we’re comfortable with you, our real personality comes out.

10. Parties and other social events can be sensory overload. The noise and activity level can be too much, especially for highly sensitive introverts, who are more easily stressed out by busy environments and intense stimuli. For shy or socially anxious introverts, just meeting new people and making small talk can be nerve-wracking. If we skip the party or leave early, don’t take it personally.

11. Too much attention overwhelms us. Even positive attention — like when our friends sing happy birthday to us in a crowded restaurant — can be too much. We’ll put on a brave face, but inside we might be cringing.

12. We dislike talking about ourselves. We tend to be private. We don’t like sharing personal details with other people until we trust them. We’ll talk about ourselves if we have to, but we might be uncomfortable while doing it.

13. We think. A lot. We have rich inner worlds and vivid imaginations, which fuel our creativity, passion, and ability to solve problems in unique ways: think J. K. Rowling, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Rosa Parks, and Mahatma Gandhi, all famous introverts. The downside is, we may get stuck in our heads, overanalyzing and replaying events (both positive and negative) over and over in our minds.

14. We express our feelings sparingly. We may not gush with flowery words of love, and many introverts feel embarrassed by public displays of affection. We’d rather show that we care through our actions. Know that if you’re in our life, you matter to us. We don’t let just anyone in.

"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love." –Warsan Shire 

I’ve discovered that the biggest difference between introverts and extroverts is:  introverts accept extroverts as they are & don’t try to encourage them to act like introverts, and most introverts know that everyone is born being either an introvert or extrovert; extroverts believe there is something wrong with being an introvert, believe that introverts can change who they are & become extroverts, and therefore try to encourage introverts to be more like extroverts.  
To make this even more laughable, studies show that extroverts are the Minority of the population, coming in at only about 35%!  So, if we believe in “majority rule”, then guess who should do the changing?!….If they only could…