The Art of Hurting....

Everybody talks about the pain of rejection.

Nobody actually talks about the pain that one goes through to break another heart..well,life's like that.😏

Was having a whole 3 hours of self conversation...such an enlightment after a long time. Its true...you have to first love yourself enough to be able to love another. Tomorrow will be a new day.😎🤗

Here's my PRECIOUS...

 My first child and she calls me Chinnamma..😘😘😘

The proud Pharmacist...

Well,what am i doing here at 2.30am???

Came to save a life. 

A good day to save lives😎

The beautiful relationship between a grandparent and grandchild...

now, that i miss my paati so much..all these things that i should have done or spoke...all those pains that i could have taken away...

That awkward feeling when someone who is not supposed to..have an eye on you.🤐

BLESSED, I am.=)

Hurting chakra...

When you wanna say things to some people..and then realise that you have done that many times before.
Sometimes, its not their fault why they dont see what you see. Not all are made to be deep. And thats exactly why i wonder if its a curse or blessing to be me.

And then,
I LET GO.
ONLY BECAUSE I LOVE THEM MORE THAN THEY BELIEVE I DO.
sometimes,it hurts.
Most of the time,
I surrender.

God, I've gotto move from home. So here's the deal...
 I'd go and take care of other's loved ones, promise me, you'd stay and take care of MINE.
Deal.

There are so much pain in the eyes of others..., I dont get to be sad for my own.

Oh Lord,please take care of her for me, for I can't be there.I'd break more.

Mum is going for a spine surgery by next week. Constantly telling myself that it will all be ok and that she will survive this. She will. I know it. I feel it. =)

Today is the day I feel vulnerable all over again. I dont  know why it didnt feel this bad all this while, knowing  that amma's health is deteriorating. I knew it from the beginning that its her spine which is doing all these mess, but only after MRI today...it got real hard into my nerves ,the fact that amma's is having lumbar spondylosis with multilevel disc herniation. She has annular tears almost at 7 locations along her spine and has large generalised disc bulge with large disc protrusion, impinging the right exiting nerve root......I mean, i knew it..I knew that was the diagnosis...but today, its as if i got hammered on my head to realize that I will need to watch her dying in pain more and more after this.Her condition is not curable, and surgery will just put her in the risk of being paralyse or blind or even death incase of failure. I cant imagine what is waiting to happen ahead of me. Suddenly, I feel shaken to my bones. I can't afford to lose her..I thought I was prepared to this feeling oneday...and when the days have come, ..I feel like i might not survive this..I am not ready to fell this. Not yet.😡😢😢😢

Im happy . Got the right job at the right time, without much hurdle for the first time...which makes me to be in a denial still. Lol.."How did this happen??" "How did it came so easily"? I shall hope for the best...it feels like a real pharmacist now.=)
Focusing in self improvement:
1) Got to be there for mum. Time is running pretty fast, I almost forgot that she is aging. She probably needs more company now than before.
2) I still suck at keeping in touch with my friends, even if I love them so much.
3) Im reading...Everyday. That's heavenly.
4) Managing my sleeping disorder.
5) Got my journal published in the International Journal of Pharmacology and Pharmaceutical Sciences.Hard work paid of, eventually.
6) More improvements on the way...=)

I can't let people in.I just cant't,.... even if I want to, even if I love them, even if I want to live for them,with them...I can't.Not any further in than the invisible wall I've built around me.That might kill. I dont even wanna feel that. And I don't wanna die. Atleast, not by suicide. So I stand,where I stand and be happy. And I let them go, where they wanna go, and be happy.
No, thats not insecurity. That's security all about.=)

Whitney Houston - When You Believe

Evanescence - My Immortal

When I was younger, shyer and more emotionally vulnerable I had this vision of growing up into a confident and resilient butterfly. As the years have gone by, I’ve found since re-adjusted that vision especially since that original vision implied that I wanted EVERYTHING to change about me. 

This is in fact quite UNTRUE. 

Truth is, I really liked who I was at my core. Sure, there are faults I wish I could correct. But I enjoy listening to others’ stories, doing things for others and most importantly being emotionally ready to empathize with people even if it may strike me at my core. Growing a hardshell would change me forever and not for the better.

Instead, I had to learn how to pick and choose the situations I put myself in, put aside my fears sometimes and decode my own issues sooner than later to alleviate the skeletons in my closet. Following this process has helped me, because I’m a much more confident person now than I was many years ago but my “core self” is the same.

Now, I kind of look at it as growing from the inside out, because that butterfly was always in me. Just like in you!